How many girlfriends does it take to.......?

OK, let's tally-up, shall we?
2 in NC
3 in Florida
1 in Kentucky
1 in NV
and 4 ex-wives, one abusive now-deceased-father, one elderly adorable mother, and one non-existent fictional God-Mother in Sarasota who apparently has the worst luck ever. I mean, she's been bitten by snakes, had a house fire, multiple deaths in her family (her sister died TWICE!!) and she is THE best party hostess in all of FL, considering she has birthday parties every 2 weeks for someone or another, that Xavier simply MUST attend. I don't know HOW "Cookie" finds the emotional strength to host so many festive parties when she has been through soooooo much anguish. (*insert eye-roll here*)
And let's not forget the live-in GF that he so conveniently leaves out of every conversation. I must give him credit, though....he manages to erase every sign of her when he has weekend house guests when she is away.
How I miss the telephone calls at 2am, asking for phone sex (NOT!!!)
and the fake concern for my well-being....the planned (then cancelled) trips to the beach.....the way he sniffs every 2 seconds due to his allergies....the way he kisses (I can only describe it as feeling like a slobbery St. Bernard engulfing your face).....the way he obsessively applies Blistex.....the way he will only eat steak, spaghetti, cheese pizza, vanilla ice cream or KFC (but ONLY the legs!!).....oh I could go on and on.....more to come!